Inspiration Scars by I Prevail, 23 July 2023
Molestation, rape, abuse, self-deprecation, and hatred; how is one supposed to live with this history. What makes one person since the beginning of time, be expected to live with these scars? We will NOT even wonder what makes a person with nothing, but a demon itself, ever think about doing this to another person. That alone kills my soul! The mind can handle so much, that you can deny it all you want. I know MY mind has endured so much information that I could have lived 5 times over not to know at all. Denial is a good coping mechanism (and before you argue the validity of that statement, I will continue). Excuses are not for the predator, it is for me! I ignored the actual reason because it was out of my control. However, it is the beginning of my survival. Which leads me to… Denial for a moment in time, is necessary to survive; to live another moment. Again, my experience is not compared to anyone else. I know others may have had worse things happen to them. But I digress. Denial allows what happened to go away. It’s locked in the closet, the key lost, with no desire to look for it. Another day comes and it is harder to remember; it only shows as flashes. Denial makes living a possibility. However, the worst part is healing.
You can cut us up, but we will survive.
You had your chance, now it’s our time to stand up and rise.
We will survive
Right now the tables turn.
We’re gonna scream it out loud and let our voices be heard.
This is the bridge of a song by one of my favorite artists, I Prevail, “Scars”. It explains why I am still on this earth. For my healing to begin, I had to take my past head-on and go backward. Denial, you are no longer allowed to hold back what I must face. Finally, my therapist heard from me that it was time. A smile formed on her face, and I realized, I smiled too. Over many sessions, I went through every single good and bad part of my life. Starting with the good, I had my short-term memory filled with joy, blessings, and love. With this foundation, when the bad memories each had their turn, I went back to the good. Pastor L. D. Holmes, a mentor and family friend (paraphrasing) - when bad comes, it will never be GREAT again. However, it can become good. I didn’t understand this when I heard it at the age of 27, right before my marriage went to shit. I learned, quickly, but not fast enough, to keep having that as a mantra. Mantras were the next thing I did to survive. Short positive statements said more than twice a day. For someone who never loved herself, it is hard to say something positive about oneself once, let alone twice. However, day after day, one mantra became easier to say.
It was my first habit. Once I had that mantra down, I listened for another. A mantra doesn’t have to be said before: I started a few. My personal mantras proved to have more of an impact on me.
That’s the “You can cut us up, but we will survive” part.
Facing my denial, I took back my power taking the blame off of me and back on the actual “who” it belongs to.
The next is excuses. I was back in reality, it was time to take on the present. “I am NOT to blame; I had to forgive myself for assuming that role. Once I accepted that forgiveness, I was lighter. I cannot try to explain the feeling of weight lifting from my body. Each excuse took so much awareness of myself, it is not a timeline of when I reached this point. I still have obstacles, but I have the upper hand on all of them. Each mantra becomes a never-ending melody.
Call it what you will, I live by music.
I’m a full song!
Intro, verse, chorus, bridge, and outro. Orchestra, drum lines, so much talent, I can’t do anything but smile and dance. I sing, I love, I enjoy. I take time each day to keep gratitude in the forefront of my mind.
Why?
Oh, honey! I have moments throughout the day just like you that can drag me back down to the depths of my personal hell! As I fall, I am fighting and grabbing, hoping to gain hold of the mantra I need to get any control back. I grab on for dear life and go to sleep.
That is how, “You had your chance, now it’s our time to stand up and rise." By getting up the next morning, I have won. I get out of bed, get dressed, and smile at myself in the mirror. "Good Morning, Gorgeous!” Mary J. Blige, another favorite, has a song with the same title. That is my daily mantra! I open my eyes, I am still alive, good morning, gorgeous!
Lastly, my action, “We will survive, right now the tables turn. We’re gonna scream it out loud and let our voices he heard.” I will do as a favorite hymn from childhood says, “Lift Every Voice and Sing”! When I was able to address my greatest fear, being alone and rejected versus rejected and self-rejection; the latter will not survive. I am no longer HER. I am Shanti! Fuck the old me! But I love her too!!! She took the full impact of it all. She made the decision to “keep moving!”
I watched Chronicles of Riddick the morning I wrote this; my mind was restless. Again, I digress, Riddick and a few prisoners attempted to outrun the heat of the sunrise on a planet named Crematoria. Sun broke the horizon, temperatures increased by the 100s in seconds. As the planet’s volcanoes became active, Riddick yells, after they run through soot and ash, “KEEP MOVING”!
In the heat of the moment when fear has you frozen,
You’re crashing and burning when life’s at its coldest don’t fall too far from who are, They can cut us, but we’ll wear our scars.
… try to tear us apart but know that we’ll wear our scars.