I had a meeting with one of my business partners yesterday. I sent her some of my creative writings. Outside of friends and family, I haven’t had my pieces critiqued since I was fourteen. It wasn’t a full critique, as we were meeting about a different topic. However, she mentioned she appreciated my style of writing. She compared it to having a conversation with someone.
I loved that she got that impression. I believe this is a conversation. A conversation with me, my past self, my traumatized inner child, and any of you who may find a familiarity as I share my experiences, feelings, or thoughts.
For the last few months, I acknowledged when someone says what I’m thinking; I want them to know they are not alone. It’s imperative! So many, too many, have this disconnect with society (the norm) and believe they’re at fault.
A colleague of mine recently lost a family member to suicide. They took their own life because of… fill in the blank. We are close, so I shared with her my experience.
Stay with me as I take you on a brief tangent.
What is your favorite punctuation?
Monica from FRIENDS would be an exclamation point. Right?
I KNOW!!!
I loved her character’s ability to embody that punctuation. Courtney Cox played her well.
Urkel from Family Matters would be a question mark, in my opinion. His catchphrase, “Did I do that?” is iconic. Any question, theory, or hypothesis, he had or presented to him, he solved it to the best of his ability, even if it made a huge mess.
Mine is the semi-colon. At the age of 16, I decided to leave this world permanently. A few years ago, my mom and I discussed that night. I couldn’t remember what I felt. All I knew was that I didn’t want to continue. Feeling invisible to those around me, I decided I wouldn’t be missed. My mom shed some light on something I didn’t know.
My last memory was lying down to sleep, then my mom shaking me and calling my name over again. I didn’t want to wake up or even remember why I was asleep.
How Mom remembers it: I woke her up, telling her what I had done. I have no recollection, however.
As mentioned in my disclosure. I share my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Period. I am not speaking for anything or anyone.
But I digress.
The semicolon is placed when the author wants to end the sentence but continues. This author wanted to end her sentence; it wasn’t meant to be.
There are no coincidences when it comes to me and my life.
To those who succeeded, I get the reasons why, whether anyone else understood, or not. However, to quote one of my favorite rap artists, Tech N9ne’s song EF U (Easier for You) features two other favorites of mine, Krizz Kaliko and Jelly Roll. I will have the link at the bottom. If you haven’t heard this song, it’s a must-listen. If possible, it would be badass to be playing once posted.
Below are a few of my favorite parts… I love the entire song!
I wanna try to help another, save a brother from a grim fate
How could you make friends break down and act like an ingrate
Selfishness, that what it is
When all your family and friends just wanna see a brother live
But if you don’t see the gutter through, you’re gonna leave the others blue
You make it hard as fuck for us but think it’s easier for you
DAMN!!!
Jelly Roll’s part is fire!
I know somebody that’s stuck down on the bottom
And he deals with his problems in ways that never solve ‘em
And I know how he feels inside
Try to give him flowers while he’s still alive
I see demons in my sleep
Got a teardrop falling down my cheek
Don’t lay down homie you can’t leave me now
I woke up in the middle of the night,
I was drenched in a cold sweat, stressing
I couldn’t fall back asleep so I picked up the phone
and I sent you a message
And it said
After everything that we’ve been through
Through the ups and downs just know that I believe in you
You said you won’t leave me, I know I’m a piece of you
So don’t you make this hard on us
just cause it’s easier for you
That last line, “So don’t make this hard on us just cause it’s easier for you.” That is what sticks with me when I go down that dark path. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder by a licensed professional, but it doesn’t stop there. Why? Because it’s not just depression, there is anxiety, too. How can I be so anxious regarding a specified part I’m depressed about, AND it feeds the other? Not only can I have a debilitating mindset, at times (if I allow it). I can throw myself into a panic attack, too.
Score!!!
Thankfully, I developed the necessary skill of laughing at myself. No wonder I had issues! I was so serious that any more tension would make one snap.
Is this an excuse?
Hell, no!
It’s what it is and nothing more. The fact is that I am not the only one experiencing this. It may not be the same thing, diagnosis, or situation. However, we all have something going on in our lives, at any given moment. Previously, I cried and was pissed for crying (ever feel this way? Just me?).
Laughing though, is contagious. It lightens any mood, even if only a little. It’s a fact that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Will you look or even sound a little crazy? Probably, but I don’t have any fucks to give when it comes to what someone thinks about me. I have enough approval ratings in my circle, negative vibes won’t phase me. All are entitled to their opinion.
Stay blessed
Shanti Marie
5 May 2024